At the crossroad

I will be officially graduating from NTU in about 9 hours time when my Convocation Ceremony starts at 10pm.

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It does feel a bit funny to realise that I am still an "undergraduate" at this moment in time but I have actually been slogging hard at work for nearly 2 months. The 2 months away from books, library, tutorial rooms, LT and Profs sometimes make me rather emotional, especially when I am troubled over work.

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I thought I can survive the harsh conditions at work when I was in Wisma, but I was wrong. After the first honeymoon week in Suntec, I am really reconsidering my priorities and my career path. I am exposed to all the cruel realities that are existing in this company, the working style and true colours of my superior, the unreasonable tenants who are not on the same frequency and all the negative elements that make me feel demoralised and disillusioned. Everyday is a brand new day with age-old problems that are outstanding. Sometimes I feel helpless, not knowing what to do with the problems that my colleagues and I faced.

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I have high expectations for myself, I want to perform my very best. That leaves me feeling defeated when I can't get things right and things don't get moving. Last week was terrible, I felt depressed trying to cope with the amount of paper work and operational issues. Telling my parents about the problems at work only made them worry for me. When I felt that I am feeling better on Saturday, things started crashing again on Sunday morning. I needed to hand in assignments to the language centre before going back to work and I wasn't feeling too good after receiving a call informing me of what happened. My colleagues at the centre could sense how stressed I was. Dr Liang even left a sms for me telling me to "take a deep breathe". But the line which made me really emotional contained merely 5 words -“天冷就回来”. I felt like breaking down. Even though I arrived at Suntec an hour before my working hours, I didn't want to report to work straight away. I felt that if I were to step into the office immediately, I will surely cry.

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I seldom feel so helpless in life and crying over problems is so unlike my usual self. But I guess the water level has been rising continuously, and probably at a rate so fast that I suddenly find myself struggling in the open sea rather than the baby pool. I am not someone who gives up easily though. My 3 months of probation with the company is also the trial period I gave myself to accustom to this industry. If I feel that I can't cope with all the negative externalities, I am leaving for good.

菜鸟随笔#2 (Account of a "New Bird")

FYI, I have been stationed in Suntec since this Monday. So if you went to look for me in Wisma, paiseh. Come and say hello if you happen to come to Suntec. It's smaller than Wisma, so I assume it won't be too difficult to locate me (unless I am in the office doing paperwork).

When I thought I am all ready for this job after 1 month in Wisma, I am faced with new uncertainties and challenges that I have never thought of after my transfer.

I feel that the people in Wisma is warmer and more closely-knitted (at least that's how I feel). Maybe it's because Suntec has just opened and everybody is getting to know one another.

People don't joke as much here and I can sometimes feel the strain in relationships between the different groups of people that we have to work with. There're so many complexities and problems left dangling that we have to resolve. There is the difference in working and management style here that I have to cope with - I don't want to be the "chao siao on" in the team but I want to be responsible enough to do my job. I want to let the people feel that they can rely on me and I am "different". But I don't want my other colleagues to feel that I am too being too "different".

It's complicated.

小小的感动

前天早上在书桌上发现一叠折起来的钞票。

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是爸爸每个月固定发放的“粮饷”。

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心里一阵莫名的感动——我都工作一个月了，还差几天就要领薪水了，但他还是不放心，怕我在等拿薪水的一个月期间不够钱花。

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现在那些钱还放在桌上，我真的不好意思收下。

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大学的学费靠的是从小父母替我存在银行户口的储蓄，还有这两年多在语文中心的酬劳。语文中心的那份薪水虽然不算多，但省一省也够我平时的开销。可是爸爸还是会每个月给我零用钱。

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现在我出来工作了，是时候让他喘口气了。