At the crossroad

I will be officially graduating from NTU in about 9 hours time when my Convocation Ceremony starts at 10pm.

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It does feel a bit funny to realise that I am still an "undergraduate" at this moment in time but I have actually been slogging hard at work for nearly 2 months. The 2 months away from books, library, tutorial rooms, LT and Profs sometimes make me rather emotional, especially when I am troubled over work.

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I thought I can survive the harsh conditions at work when I was in Wisma, but I was wrong. After the first honeymoon week in Suntec, I am really reconsidering my priorities and my career path. I am exposed to all the cruel realities that are existing in this company, the working style and true colours of my superior, the unreasonable tenants who are not on the same frequency and all the negative elements that make me feel demoralised and disillusioned. Everyday is a brand new day with age-old problems that are outstanding. Sometimes I feel helpless, not knowing what to do with the problems that my colleagues and I faced.

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I have high expectations for myself, I want to perform my very best. That leaves me feeling defeated when I can't get things right and things don't get moving. Last week was terrible, I felt depressed trying to cope with the amount of paper work and operational issues. Telling my parents about the problems at work only made them worry for me. When I felt that I am feeling better on Saturday, things started crashing again on Sunday morning. I needed to hand in assignments to the language centre before going back to work and I wasn't feeling too good after receiving a call informing me of what happened. My colleagues at the centre could sense how stressed I was. Dr Liang even left a sms for me telling me to "take a deep breathe". But the line which made me really emotional contained merely 5 words -“天冷就回来”. I felt like breaking down. Even though I arrived at Suntec an hour before my working hours, I didn't want to report to work straight away. I felt that if I were to step into the office immediately, I will surely cry.

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I seldom feel so helpless in life and crying over problems is so unlike my usual self. But I guess the water level has been rising continuously, and probably at a rate so fast that I suddenly find myself struggling in the open sea rather than the baby pool. I am not someone who gives up easily though. My 3 months of probation with the company is also the trial period I gave myself to accustom to this industry. If I feel that I can't cope with all the negative externalities, I am leaving for good.